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flowers are weird inside, but everything is weird inside-- the secret is, they're just as weird on the outside-- we just forget it's weird because we see it all the time
this is the website for the committee... yes, as before, it's just the skeleton of what it will/ought to be... but it was really exciting to get the html and css to work for me :) it's still like magic to me, getting websites up...
i had two very awesome conversations yesterday, with two separate awesome people... both by total surprise. and i bought a piece of art, of someone else's art! i had seen it on the wall in SubRosa the previous day, it had been intriguing enough that i asked about the artist, and i was told the next day was the art opening. i went to the art opening, thinking in my mind that if it's over $40 i can't do it... and that unfortunatelly is much less than she'll ask for it. i came and first of all saw that there were prints of the work for sale (SUCH a smart move! the original would be, i forget, but over $100 for sure, and with the prints, she can make some money and a poor fan like me can take home something... This reminds me of something I saw at an art fair in Tokyo, where the artists would have small postcard replicas of their work for $1 each-- a really good idea, because the vast majority of fans can't spend that much, but would like to encourage the artists and contribute to keep the scene going, and this way the originals aren't sold for vastly and heart-breakingly less than they (and the artist's time) are worth) the artist came up to me, and we started talking. That was actually what made up my mind that I would probably invest in one of the works that evening, I just found talking with her really awesome, a pleasant and interesting person. And to boot the prints were within my financial budget for the evening :) and so now here on my desk (there's nowhere else for the time being to safely put it) is leaning a very interesting image by Adriane White, this one actually :) and I'm glad after alot of years of holding back to have patronized the arts again, at least in a modest way :)
http://danm.ucsc.edu/~kathleen/
you can see basically what will be included there... man it just took a while getting my brain back into how the heck to make a flash button work :)
today i went to the ocean, even though it was after 7pm or so when i got there, only a few other families on the beach and only swimmers were in wetsuits-- it was frigid at first, the water i mean, but then suddenly began to feel really great-- but was only able to swim around for a very, very brief while before coming back to shore :) still am trying to swim as often as possible... the ocean is an animal of its own, and needs getting used to, in more than just the immediate sense of temperature
k
i'm on vacation and oh my GAWD is it a different universe. I haven't been able to relax like this in so long... this quarter was so murderous that it has taught me new appreciation of doing nothing :)
so here's some of the nothing i've been up to: learning more about astrology. or rather, letting my friends teach me... sometimes this is more like co-discovering astrology with someone, such as with the information below. I knew you had a "sun" sign and a "moon" sign and even a "rising" sign (is there a setting sign?) but now i see there's also a rebellion sign... see below for my very trippy and accurate rebellion sign, i was so proud of the interpretation that i've posted it here to advertise :)
Your Rebellion Sign
Scorpio
When Uranus enters the already secretive Scorpio, it is a time of transformation. Those born with this placement will be consistently reinventing themselves, trying on new personas and personalities like so many wigs. You may compulsively search for change within yourself and the world around you. Issues surrounding sexuality might play an important part within your generation. There could be a backlash against the knowledge that, in this day and age, sex can kill. This could play out in extreme methods of sex and the dismantling of old taboos. During your time, you may find that topics such as sex and death stop being spoken of in whispers. This energy will also be harnessed into positive change. You may one day feel comfortable being exactly whom you choose to be.
from http://www.astrology.com/allaboutyou/re
i'm tired, i'm too tired to read. i can't think straight enough to read another line.
sorry i sound so pissed off.
i showed a work to a room-full of people that i never have the courage to show to anyone... it didn't break the spell of hesitance to reveal the work, but it let me know i'm not the only one who sees these things there.
i am put into a spell-like state, knowing that it's a moment of intense intimacy which arises from the atmosphere emerging from these works-- and then i am heartbroken, feeling that my words, my attempts to speak on them intelligently, are severely misread.
and so i am both seen and understood, and also misunderstood at the same time. these words are not entirely for you, reader, you can probably see that. i am experimenting with speaking in public, i mean speaking in places where i can be heard. it's funny, part of this process is realizing i'm afraid to do it. it's something in itself hard to admit to myself, let alone to others.
looking from across the room at these objects lying on the table, feeling in some ways fullfilled and in other ways regretful, i am filled with a kind of shock- almost close to horror, horror over something wonderful. i am shaken, i am compelled to realize that there is something very real in there- and that something must be done.
but how many times will i have this realization? how many more times will it take before i act? i realize again and again that i must be some kind of science fiction writer or something like that after all- words i can't even look at as i write them, words which may or may not mean what i want them to say-- words for what i want to say may or may not exist and they may take eleven years longer to write them all down.
there is a horror embedded in here somewhere, an unbearable horror- something too big to handle- something too amazing for me to contain, i cannot look at it in the face, i cannot speak of it in lesser terms, terms that can fit into my hands, no words for it exist but for the words it breathes into the world all by itself- i am separated from the world by it, i am taken away from the cares of my department by it, i am taken away from myself and everything else by it and i am knocked over. it sounds funny to say it, it sounds awkward even inside my head, it maybe makes no sense at all and maybe it means nothing. a song is a package for taking you inside another person, my package has a different shape and i have tried on many suits and am still looking- and perhaps it must be made from scratch, from the start... these are words which ultimately don't approach what they mean to outline. we all know that. or at least i hope so. i hope i have the chance to know it too.
and now i look around myself and i am trying to return, return to the earth. so many miles away from it, i am prone to fling myself at times. i see around myself the impetus to be among the people i am with again and breathe the air of the world with ease, taking none of this too seriously. taking it nowhere near the extremes, as nothing is awry now, nothing is on fire now, nothing is burning now except in my imagination. maybe everything really is coming together, and maybe this is how it comes together, and if so it isn't me and my glory-trials and will to receive condolences from the four winds which will bring it to the fore.
in my shaking, i supposed that everything would change, with a wisp of art. i shuttered to imagine it, when it was on the brink of happening. and then not this, but something else occurred. the two universes are not in sync, but neither is the story alone. words are becoming less a free-for-all, their edifices will soon take their places in the walls that construct both your world and mine- oh how i shutter...
breathe, breathe, just only breathe, and let the world forget itself for now.
they tell me i have high blood pressure, that just doesn't even sound right, and not only that but today it's evidently really high- stage 1 hypertension-- and i'm asking myself how is this possible? what's causing this, is it really that stressful here/now? or is there a secret in my genes, that's just coming out way sooner than anyone thought? my dad's blood pressure is excellent and he's 70... maybe my mom's side? or is it all the salt in the food of this continent? or am i just that inactive/at the computer all day? i guess there's more than enough of theories, it just seems like it still doesn't make sense or sound right even after all that. but i guess i'm in denial and that's why.
today though it was like i could feel the hypertension- i woke up with a headache, and now it's evening and i can still kinda feel it, i just popped awake at 5:30 this morning, tired but too awake to sleep, and went on with the day... and then later, started to feel drowsy, dizzy even, and headed home-- slept from 11am or something until got a phone call from a kind classmate telling me i was late for class, part of me is like this coulda been such a useful day-- but i had the wildest and wierdest dreams, dreams that sought to provide answers to the perplexedness in my mind, dreams which came to full and total conclusions like they were carefully written fictions. i remember one of them, i was on this campus but it was much larger, and i was amongst a group of people, maybe undergrad friends, and we were passing through a building, someone noticed i was sick, and i went somewhere and i came back to them and they had someone else with them when i did, who came and checked my temperature and asked me questions, and then told me i had a disease called S.I.L. or S.I.D. which made everyone gasp and inch away from me. the person said i need to go to a doctor and get the antibiotics working, and so i started the run across campus, it was a confusing run and i couldn't really get there easily, but actually i had this feeling of relief while running, relief of knowing, and the dream ended with this relief. there was another dream, also i was around a similar group of people and on this campus, but oh how i can't remember what went on or what people said or did. i woke up from all this dreaming with less of a headache, less of a fever, but still with the remains of something-- it's not a painful headache like they usually are, usually my headaches are intolerably harsh, but just enough to let me know its there-- a nasty sign, so the internet says, of hypertension. something must be awry with me, but what that is neither i nor my dreams seem able to define.
this was an intense day... all weekend, i was wanting this day to be over-- i was expecting this beautiful sense of release at the end of today, but instead i kinda feel like crap actually. i guess if one takes a miserable approach to the expectation of a moment, then it's hard to really experience an authentic high at that moment...
or maybe it's more a matter of my still being over-obsessed with certain people.. you notice when you're kinda into someone, even if you're not supposed to be and trying not to be, then when that person criticizes you it stings like hell, far worse than it would if you were normal about them. I feel kinda like crap now, mainly because of something someone said at the end of my presentation. It got me angry, it was really incriminating-- and especially since thoughts of this person fly through your head while you're even drawing up the presentation, and they don't even notice at all, anything but their sour observation...
Of the many things I could say, oh well is probably the wisest.
oh well doesn't seem to be something i'm ready to say.
I have many things to edit about myself... But it's too easy to wonder if you're just not cool at all... It flashes to extremes actually, it's way too easy to flash to extremes-- to let it go there. Between thinking of one's self as a good person, someone worth it, and the opposite... It's all uphill when people don't understand. it's easy to see people deserting you, even after all this time there's still the threat of being rejected by absolutely everyone. i could summarize all this kind of talk to oh well as well and maybe it would be better if i did, but that would take out the juice of what i wanted to say...
why do i blog anyway? the ones i want to hear what i want to say are never the ones who read it, and i find myself needing to edit in self-defense, everything that i would need to say if it were paper... i have paper, i should just go there with this... the only reason i don't just go right there is maybe the pathetic hope of the slimmer than second-coming chance that who i'm talking about will come here and see this and i'll have the lowly and unknown-to-me benefit of revenge.
***
i meant to be wise, or to become it; i meant to adopt a better attitude-- i meant to become an example. instead i have a dark thing here and growing darker. something is missing, something is missing from the puzzle that is my search for meaning in existence, something that would make the whole quest cease to be needed-- i was told by someone flashing by in dreamtime that love has to do with it-- love like a foreign object, love like something unnatural... love unlike the thing i've shared or thought i shared so many times in recent past. recent past, growing further away. everything is harder when you cannot love yourself-- to be unable to love yourself is to be unable to know yourself-- to be unable to know yourself is to walk an alien landscape, everywhere you go.
i hold on to certain things, in a way i cannot even see... the process of finding this out, of seeing it in fact, and for treating this illness, perhaps isn't a sight for everyone to see. to be wise is to break through one's own skin, the skin holding you away from that perspective, broader than yourself. i am struggling to make sense of seeming disparities, between theories of the world neither of which i fully understand-- all vague, all in a cloud-- myself in cloud. some hide behind an ugly mask, claiming nothing of beauty for themselves, asserting nothing of goodness, rendering neutral the accusations which they feel are sure to come. afraid of the sting, shielding from exactly that. for these are painful things, these are arrows no one would ask for, arrows as though from a star that sees above and all around and through you, sees even the world without you and that is most terrifying of all... and the world without the you you intended to put out there, and the world without you, seem identical.
in some ways then criticism which strikes so, earns you closer to eternity, breaks you away from the fate of ghosts-- in that you are forced away, if painfully, brutishly even, from that thing you hold the closest, as though your life depended on it-- which it only does if you are not alive...
parts of my mind understand it, the whole of me doesn't jump there. it takes time, compulsion to convince myself to look in this direction. but i want to go there, i want to go there now-- soon, maybe soon i'll be able to see things in this light without the crutch of this agony... without all of the complaints and excuses, reasons why it's unfair to say such things, reasons why it's unfair that these words should strike me with such force-- reasons like excuses echoing around inside my mind, trying to soothe the drive towards reactions, trying to nurture back to health the smitten ego. Thoughts of revenge to set the universe back the way it was when this seemed to be ok. Dreams of apologies that will not come, to do the same.
This day knew that today would be just a little bit more than I could handle.
how i love to 3d model with pandora behind me...
i must not give in to envy-- especially of others' talents... others' accomplishments... this is oh so too easy for me to do.
i am rethinking this blog as my catch-all for little meanings.
i am going to direct everyone who doesn't need to see my little nothings to another blog.
you should go to softengine10/wordpress.com, to see me the way i'd actually like to be seen-- someone proceeding on the course chosen... whatever form that may take-- a conglomeration of sorts, a reflection, a resource-- not the grumbling thing i do when heads are turned... that true thing, that less flattering and less appealing thing, which all of us do and by being such is made less than interesting-- reaffirming of the selfsame foibles at most--
and here will my secret emotions remain-- here, and where they are destined to go: back into that journal made of paper pages, where they truly belong, where they are treated with respect, where they come around full circle in the end and are dealt with. these are things which are more easily in reach when made of paper. these are things more fully in the hand when out of the eyesight of ten million strangers-- at least of ten million casual perusers looking for what interests them long enough to stay.
i bounce from feeling to feeling in the course of many jealousies-- there is always someone further along. i must acquire greater peace, in order to allow myself to be the one i am, and not the one who reviles the one she isn't for being in and of itself alive in what it does in something else.
- Mood:
envious
pic courtesy http://www.definatalie.com/
from her flickr site:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/xochiquetc
nabokov created a cue-word for future generations to speak of forbidden lust by writing about lolita...
how awesome russian names are... vladimir... nabokov...
speaking of languages, i think german is just so cool... it looks cool written... it sounds cool spoken, especially when the person speaking is being way serious or emotional or dramatic...
it would be cool just even to read it and understand completely... i can read it to some limited degree but need a translation or else it turns into a mush of meaning...
these are thoughts on a semi-late night, when i should be sleeping-- this is a night which is the stalling-time of tomorrow...
-Ammon Shea
And so I'm getting alot of financial news-- the financial news, as you may know, is very bad these days. I can only be glad I can turn it off whenever I want, and go back to studying computer stuff.
But of course I'm wondering whether it's going to be a mess getting a job later-- should I not even speak of the difficulty? It seems almost like that could make it harder-- adding to the fervor...
And maybe that's what's got me thinking about another degree from time to time-- or actually, I shouldn't say degree, that would be misleading-- I think from time to time of joining the family trade- the pool of sharks :)
I'm damn well not telling them this though...
Of course, it's sad when I think back on the number of times I've carried an insane belief that I could be various totally irrationally inappropriate jobs.. there was a time when i somehow managed to convince myself that I could be an economist. The fact that I comprehend nothing at all about economics and have studied almost no econ whatsoever during my life didn't seem to deter me in this thinking. I tried at it for a while, it was all uphill... it made no sense and was just really depressing and defeating and bewildering in the end. And then there was a long time, maybe there's still even that time going on, when I wonder if I could do crit theory-- even though I'm the weakest in my class here in that area, even though I haven't read almost any important writers in that field in years and I don't just habitually read any of that stuff... And nowadays I find that I'm maybe glad I didn't go into that field-- and yet I still fantasize about going into it in the future anyways. Is there something wrong with my head? Do I not know me? Or am I in denial, like perpetually?
And now this media law thing-- I don't know crap about law actually-- I'm always the one the farthest behind in the room on that topic. I think that for a long time I've just assumed that I must have some kind of aptitude or special access to knowledge about it, just because it was in the background for so long. But really, I hear my dad and sister talk and I loose interest-- it makes little sense. This has got to be a sign that this isn't for me. You know I think the only thing that's recently got my head turning about it is that I feel like I'm going to need to know the laws about media... and fear of money... and maybe every once in a while I might wish me and the fam spoke the same language... but that's an issue for the shrinks to ponder as far as I'm concerned. I guess I've also thought that knowing the law protects a person from alot of things-- sometimes it really freaks me out how little I know about it... That and economics too-- maybe all this is just manifestation of fear. They don't educate people right in all these places I've been through, not enough to protect them, not enough to protect others from them... Maybe there's just not enough different fields available in this world, not enough to accomodate all the strange little kinks like myself that don't fit anywhere.
and of course there's the strange thing: i'm here in DANM, and yet a year ago I also could've said, but I'm no programmer, I have barely any portfolio of electronic stuff, am I only going into this to get a job? I still haven't answered most of the questions I have about myself-- the greatest mask I wear is facing me, blocking my view of me--
i may get over this like a phase... or i may not, also like a phase.
i saw the rose parade on tv this morning-- the first time seeing it, maybe, since i was *in* the thing so many years ago-- seeing high school marching bands, can't help but laugh inside, how strangely into some aspects of that experience i was then, despite the actual heaploads of crap there was to endure in that... also, it makes me think that maybe being in a marching band could've been one of the most amazing experiences, perhaps it remains some people's, if i hadn't had such ones as trumped that one so far, just over the hill in college... now the whole affair seems almost laughable... funny tho, i clearly recall having a moment, back then, of being obsessed over it...
i was looking into a book this morning; the huffington post complete guide to blogging... and you know, most everyone in my family is getting into blogging now--- and here i am actually sometimes considering quitting, just the way this thing echoes not much more than a journal except less.. fulfilling... and you know one of the things i do most consistently is question my name, my identity, my public presence and the "focus" of my visible work... the whole look of it. (hope all this isn't too depressing, i figure my whole string of thoughts here may ring of depressing...) but anyway... i've figured out that it's all on me to straighten out what it takes to get concepts to completion-- beyond completion, out to the stabbing zone, the firing rink... the goal as a target post... it's up to everyone to figure that out on their own, no book can say how it's done, no recipe can make it happen for you..
maybe that's the very subject matter of the next blog... there's a breakage between the matter of the myth and the groundwork that its meant to mend, that breaks it in return...
i have now and will probably in the future still suffer from these envies, and suffer the world to hear me whine about not being this and not being that...
it's a long road to being satisfied with not being, and so many strange alien wishes between here and there.
also people are just so weird here-- family, friends, everything is more or less weird... there's more details to it but i can't write them here.
that's the prob with public blogs, you can't communicate difficult things without feeling guilty, and that obscures the truth somewhat, guilt-- or fear that the truth is hurting somebody, even if it's years from now.
i don't like facebook anymore-- i mean, i hated facebook to begin with, but now i just really don't like it. it showed me the face of somebody i'd forgotten all about, i didn't want to see that face during the rest of my life-- now i'm thinking of just closing myself out of the whole thing. fuck unwelcome reunions.
i guess this blog here is a total waste of time-- there's never anything on it but bitching, bitching... nobody wants to see more of that.
sometimes the net just increases my stress.
- Mood:
blah
I am suddenly feeling the crafty-instinct raging within... and I'm so happy there's other addicts out there! :) so I like this book/purse thing-- but aw man, the inside cover was just as cool as the outside, shame to cover it :)
