things are good right now! summer's started, i've got a job!! and a good one-- and i finished up DANM... ENTIRELY finished up DANM-- there are many things about my life right now that I still need some time to really get into my head-- grad school; over! and i actually managed to get employed... it still seems too good to be true :)
and i'm in a relationship too... it's like all the pieces to a puzzle are together.
That, on the easiest surface, is how things are going now! good times!
It really helps me realize how fortunate i am to have all my work done, when I see others in my class who still have unfinished tasks... some still have thesis work to finish, and grading-- oy. I can't believe my fortune, actually, in having all that done and in the bag... and i'm double lucky to have a job that's actually a good one-- I talked with another acquaintance of mine today who told me her summer's going miserably due to a flurry of work from a confusion of jobs-- jobs required by their degree to occupy. oy again.
i just feel so.. fortunate...

it's happened before and it's happening now: i couldn't have told you, a year or even a few months ago, that i would be in this "place" now-- how many times, in recent past, have i arrived at that realization? many since going into digital media. this is turning out to be an interesting path, quest or journey...

The 2-year process of becoming a certified "digital artist" are finally nearing to a close-- and my plan is not to continue to a PhD but to get that which I went through this process to obtain: a job... and so I'm a job-searchin'! (when I'm not writing my thesis... one last little detail before I graduate-- this has to happen in 2 months omg)

I went to a career fair today, all prepared to talk to this one game company, who I was told would be there. Silly me, I didn't prepare for anything else but a conversation with that company, and they weren't there. Instead, the only position anywhere in the whole room which bore similarity with my degree was an internship in social media. Why does it seem that I'm seeing alot of "internship in social media" gigs? I wonder what's going to happen to all those folks who go through those internships... my main question is what happens *after* a social media internship... Well you know, I may be in for one of these... I have an interview in SJ in a few weeks to talk to some peeps about that very type of position, to cover this art event that'll be happening in SJ in fall. We'll see what happens there-- not a monied role but free tix and better than sitting and fretting if I don't have something figured out by then.

I sat in Borders on the weekend and read all kinds of career books-- and to my surprise I saw this "your resume is your LEAST important tool" all over these books... I suppose things have changed in the last few years... That's how I'm explaining it to myself anyway. I also get the feeling that the look of resumes has changed: all these examples I've been pouring over have this "professional summary" thing at the top... News to me. Should I follow suit? Weirdness. Oh well, I suppose I'll start to mimic this if it seems the right idea.

And hey.. I'm dating somebody! But I'm keeping it secret who it is for now :) It's really nice...

And I went and became a member of Siggraph. Cost $30, I wonder if I was too hasty... I'm bummed that I missed the deadline to send animations to their show, but I am still in time for their "animation clinic" thing for student work. And actually, while I hate to admit it, my thesis project has alot of tech errors :) Thing is I wonder whether they'll be able to tell me anything I haven't noticed... Or anything I'm able to fix :) Really I've been going at this animation thing completely self-taught and there are alot of things I just don't know how to do because I've never had a formal class... Well, I've had formal classes on how to make things in SoftImage, 3DsMax etc, but never this in-depth how-to-animate-a-walk-cycle type course... Nothing even close. I think sometimes people expect that I've had this, but I haven't... Spent my MFA teaching Blender to myself and couldn't be happier I did... But I may have to go find ways to fill the holes in my knowledge out there in someone else's hands after this...

sometimes perfect isn't quite right

flowers are weird inside, but everything is weird inside-- the secret is, they're just as weird on the outside-- we just forget it's weird because we see it all the time

yaaa-hay i finally made some more progress on my website!!
this is the website for the committee... yes, as before, it's just the skeleton of what it will/ought to be... but it was really exciting to get the html and css to work for me :) it's still like magic to me, getting websites up...

i had two very awesome conversations yesterday, with two separate awesome people... both by total surprise. and i bought a piece of art, of someone else's art! i had seen it on the wall in SubRosa the previous day, it had been intriguing enough that i asked about the artist, and i was told the next day was the art opening. i went to the art opening, thinking in my mind that if it's over $40 i can't do it... and that unfortunatelly is much less than she'll ask for it. i came and first of all saw that there were prints of the work for sale (SUCH a smart move! the original would be, i forget, but over $100 for sure, and with the prints, she can make some money and a poor fan like me can take home something... This reminds me of something I saw at an art fair in Tokyo, where the artists would have small postcard replicas of their work for $1 each-- a really good idea, because the vast majority of fans can't spend that much, but would like to encourage the artists and contribute to keep the scene going, and this way the originals aren't sold for vastly and heart-breakingly less than they (and the artist's time) are worth) the artist came up to me, and we started talking. That was actually what made up my mind that I would probably invest in one of the works that evening, I just found talking with her really awesome, a pleasant and interesting person. And to boot the prints were within my financial budget for the evening :) and so now here on my desk (there's nowhere else for the time being to safely put it) is leaning a very interesting image by Adriane White, this one actually :) and I'm glad after alot of years of holding back to have patronized the arts again, at least in a modest way :)

huzzah! I finally got the *truly skeletal* semblance of a website up
http://danm.ucsc.edu/~kathleen/

you can see basically what will be included there... man it just took a while getting my brain back into how the heck to make a flash button work :)

today i went to the ocean, even though it was after 7pm or so when i got there, only a few other families on the beach and only swimmers were in wetsuits-- it was frigid at first, the water i mean, but then suddenly began to feel really great-- but was only able to swim around for a very, very brief while before coming back to shore :) still am trying to swim as often as possible... the ocean is an animal of its own, and needs getting used to, in more than just the immediate sense of temperature
k

hi folks!
i'm on vacation and oh my GAWD is it a different universe. I haven't been able to relax like this in so long... this quarter was so murderous that it has taught me new appreciation of doing nothing :)
so here's some of the nothing i've been up to: learning more about astrology. or rather, letting my friends teach me... sometimes this is more like co-discovering astrology with someone, such as with the information below. I knew you had a "sun" sign and a "moon" sign and even a "rising" sign (is there a setting sign?) but now i see there's also a rebellion sign... see below for my very trippy and accurate rebellion sign, i was so proud of the interpretation that i've posted it here to advertise :)



Your Rebellion Sign

Scorpio

When Uranus enters the already secretive Scorpio, it is a time of transformation. Those born with this placement will be consistently reinventing themselves, trying on new personas and personalities like so many wigs. You may compulsively search for change within yourself and the world around you. Issues surrounding sexuality might play an important part within your generation. There could be a backlash against the knowledge that, in this day and age, sex can kill. This could play out in extreme methods of sex and the dismantling of old taboos. During your time, you may find that topics such as sex and death stop being spoken of in whispers. This energy will also be harnessed into positive change. You may one day feel comfortable being exactly whom you choose to be.


from http://www.astrology.com/allaboutyou/rebellionsign/scorpio.html

today is one of those days- i can't do anything right. i'm already so angry and frustrated from not being able to do anything right. I'm fed up with saying the wrong thing so i think i'll just be quiet.

i'm tired, i'm too tired to read. i can't think straight enough to read another line.

sorry i sound so pissed off.

the labor-intensive part is over...

i showed a work to a room-full of people that i never have the courage to show to anyone... it didn't break the spell of hesitance to reveal the work, but it let me know i'm not the only one who sees these things there.

i am put into a spell-like state, knowing that it's a moment of intense intimacy which arises from the atmosphere emerging from these works-- and then i am heartbroken, feeling that my words, my attempts to speak on them intelligently, are severely misread.

and so i am both seen and understood, and also misunderstood at the same time. these words are not entirely for you, reader, you can probably see that. i am experimenting with speaking in public, i mean speaking in places where i can be heard. it's funny, part of this process is realizing i'm afraid to do it. it's something in itself hard to admit to myself, let alone to others.

looking from across the room at these objects lying on the table, feeling in some ways fullfilled and in other ways regretful, i am filled with a kind of shock- almost close to horror, horror over something wonderful. i am shaken, i am compelled to realize that there is something very real in there- and that something must be done.

but how many times will i have this realization? how many more times will it take before i act? i realize again and again that i must be some kind of science fiction writer or something like that after all- words i can't even look at as i write them, words which may or may not mean what i want them to say-- words for what i want to say may or may not exist and they may take eleven years longer to write them all down.

there is a horror embedded in here somewhere, an unbearable horror- something too big to handle- something too amazing for me to contain, i cannot look at it in the face, i cannot speak of it in lesser terms, terms that can fit into my hands, no words for it exist but for the words it breathes into the world all by itself- i am separated from the world by it, i am taken away from the cares of my department by it, i am taken away from myself and everything else by it and i am knocked over. it sounds funny to say it, it sounds awkward even inside my head, it maybe makes no sense at all and maybe it means nothing. a song is a package for taking you inside another person, my package has a different shape and i have tried on many suits and am still looking- and perhaps it must be made from scratch, from the start... these are words which ultimately don't approach what they mean to outline. we all know that. or at least i hope so. i hope i have the chance to know it too.

and now i look around myself and i am trying to return, return to the earth. so many miles away from it, i am prone to fling myself at times. i see around myself the impetus to be among the people i am with again and breathe the air of the world with ease, taking none of this too seriously. taking it nowhere near the extremes, as nothing is awry now, nothing is on fire now, nothing is burning now except in my imagination. maybe everything really is coming together, and maybe this is how it comes together, and if so it isn't me and my glory-trials and will to receive condolences from the four winds which will bring it to the fore.

in my shaking, i supposed that everything would change, with a wisp of art. i shuttered to imagine it, when it was on the brink of happening. and then not this, but something else occurred. the two universes are not in sync, but neither is the story alone. words are becoming less a free-for-all, their edifices will soon take their places in the walls that construct both your world and mine- oh how i shutter...

breathe, breathe, just only breathe, and let the world forget itself for now.

i seem only to blog to complain. maybe i need a shrink instead of a blog but i guess this is cheaper.

they tell me i have high blood pressure, that just doesn't even sound right, and not only that but today it's evidently really high- stage 1 hypertension-- and i'm asking myself how is this possible? what's causing this, is it really that stressful here/now? or is there a secret in my genes, that's just coming out way sooner than anyone thought? my dad's blood pressure is excellent and he's 70... maybe my mom's side? or is it all the salt in the food of this continent? or am i just that inactive/at the computer all day? i guess there's more than enough of theories, it just seems like it still doesn't make sense or sound right even after all that. but i guess i'm in denial and that's why.

today though it was like i could feel the hypertension- i woke up with a headache, and now it's evening and i can still kinda feel it, i just popped awake at 5:30 this morning, tired but too awake to sleep, and went on with the day... and then later, started to feel drowsy, dizzy even, and headed home-- slept from 11am or something until got a phone call from a kind classmate telling me i was late for class, part of me is like this coulda been such a useful day-- but i had the wildest and wierdest dreams, dreams that sought to provide answers to the perplexedness in my mind, dreams which came to full and total conclusions like they were carefully written fictions. i remember one of them, i was on this campus but it was much larger, and i was amongst a group of people, maybe undergrad friends, and we were passing through a building, someone noticed i was sick, and i went somewhere and i came back to them and they had someone else with them when i did, who came and checked my temperature and asked me questions, and then told me i had a disease called S.I.L. or S.I.D. which made everyone gasp and inch away from me. the person said i need to go to a doctor and get the antibiotics working, and so i started the run across campus, it was a confusing run and i couldn't really get there easily, but actually i had this feeling of relief while running, relief of knowing, and the dream ended with this relief. there was another dream, also i was around a similar group of people and on this campus, but oh how i can't remember what went on or what people said or did. i woke up from all this dreaming with less of a headache, less of a fever, but still with the remains of something-- it's not a painful headache like they usually are, usually my headaches are intolerably harsh, but just enough to let me know its there-- a nasty sign, so the internet says, of hypertension. something must be awry with me, but what that is neither i nor my dreams seem able to define.

today i had two rather intense things that happened.. but i won't go into details. i was crying during the first one, and i bit awkward during the second one.

this was an intense day... all weekend, i was wanting this day to be over-- i was expecting this beautiful sense of release at the end of today, but instead i kinda feel like crap actually. i guess if one takes a miserable approach to the expectation of a moment, then it's hard to really experience an authentic high at that moment...
or maybe it's more a matter of my still being over-obsessed with certain people.. you notice when you're kinda into someone, even if you're not supposed to be and trying not to be, then when that person criticizes you it stings like hell, far worse than it would if you were normal about them. I feel kinda like crap now, mainly because of something someone said at the end of my presentation. It got me angry, it was really incriminating-- and especially since thoughts of this person fly through your head while you're even drawing up the presentation, and they don't even notice at all, anything but their sour observation...

Of the many things I could say, oh well is probably the wisest.

oh well doesn't seem to be something i'm ready to say.

I have many things to edit about myself... But it's too easy to wonder if you're just not cool at all... It flashes to extremes actually, it's way too easy to flash to extremes-- to let it go there. Between thinking of one's self as a good person, someone worth it, and the opposite... It's all uphill when people don't understand. it's easy to see people deserting you, even after all this time there's still the threat of being rejected by absolutely everyone. i could summarize all this kind of talk to oh well as well and maybe it would be better if i did, but that would take out the juice of what i wanted to say...

why do i blog anyway? the ones i want to hear what i want to say are never the ones who read it, and i find myself needing to edit in self-defense, everything that i would need to say if it were paper... i have paper, i should just go there with this... the only reason i don't just go right there is maybe the pathetic hope of the slimmer than second-coming chance that who i'm talking about will come here and see this and i'll have the lowly and unknown-to-me benefit of revenge.

***
i meant to be wise, or to become it; i meant to adopt a better attitude-- i meant to become an example. instead i have a dark thing here and growing darker. something is missing, something is missing from the puzzle that is my search for meaning in existence, something that would make the whole quest cease to be needed-- i was told by someone flashing by in dreamtime that love has to do with it-- love like a foreign object, love like something unnatural... love unlike the thing i've shared or thought i shared so many times in recent past. recent past, growing further away. everything is harder when you cannot love yourself-- to be unable to love yourself is to be unable to know yourself-- to be unable to know yourself is to walk an alien landscape, everywhere you go.

i hold on to certain things, in a way i cannot even see... the process of finding this out, of seeing it in fact, and for treating this illness, perhaps isn't a sight for everyone to see. to be wise is to break through one's own skin, the skin holding you away from that perspective, broader than yourself. i am struggling to make sense of seeming disparities, between theories of the world neither of which i fully understand-- all vague, all in a cloud-- myself in cloud. some hide behind an ugly mask, claiming nothing of beauty for themselves, asserting nothing of goodness, rendering neutral the accusations which they feel are sure to come. afraid of the sting, shielding from exactly that. for these are painful things, these are arrows no one would ask for, arrows as though from a star that sees above and all around and through you, sees even the world without you and that is most terrifying of all... and the world without the you you intended to put out there, and the world without you, seem identical.

in some ways then criticism which strikes so, earns you closer to eternity, breaks you away from the fate of ghosts-- in that you are forced away, if painfully, brutishly even, from that thing you hold the closest, as though your life depended on it-- which it only does if you are not alive...

parts of my mind understand it, the whole of me doesn't jump there. it takes time, compulsion to convince myself to look in this direction. but i want to go there, i want to go there now-- soon, maybe soon i'll be able to see things in this light without the crutch of this agony... without all of the complaints and excuses, reasons why it's unfair to say such things, reasons why it's unfair that these words should strike me with such force-- reasons like excuses echoing around inside my mind, trying to soothe the drive towards reactions, trying to nurture back to health the smitten ego. Thoughts of revenge to set the universe back the way it was when this seemed to be ok. Dreams of apologies that will not come, to do the same.

This day knew that today would be just a little bit more than I could handle.